Chronicles 1/3

Life deals with you in different ways. Sometimes you love it, sometimes you wonder why it turned out so. But whichever it is, it fills you with wonder.

Many things have happened since the last time I posted here. Days of unbearable expectation, huge disappointment, enormous joy. In no particular order, these are what I remember most of my past few days.

The days before the results were most excruciating. Especially when ‘sources’ said that it would come at evening 5p.m. of xyz day and you ran home from office at 9:45 just to see others like you cursing at the online communities. And exhilarating. Like when you get your first acceptance. And then the second too! The day you resign and finally feel like telling you-know-who to @$^&#&*#. But then you listen to the voic of reason and just put on your best smile and tell them the news. And learn never to raise your voice even though the ones 15 years your senior act unprofessionally. Makes you feel old and irritable. And then you hit yourself on your head when you realise that everyone else can find out how frustrated you are, just by asking you ‘oh so did they agree on the date?’ Ha! All that tact for what now… What seems funnier is when the company puts your picture in two of the four bulletins of the month and people you had just sporadic touch with, call you up soon after that.

It has been a month where some of my beliefs, nay, that’s too strong, some of the thoughts I had, have been turned on the head. Someone I assumed had not much spine, showed that that illusion was created because he just did things civilly. Another who I thought was one of the best, reared his ugly head. People I knew to be always nodding their heads at the management, said enough is enough. Someone I admired, and with whom I disagreed many times, offered me a hand of friendship. I realised the difference between the thin line separating leadership where you let others grow, and the one where you don’t ‘interfere’ at all that everything just isn’t the way you want it. It must be a bit like steering a car. When you see it veering off course, you step in. And when asked for advice, you give it. Just asking the team to come up with a solution after they are really stuck only makes one side feel incompetent and the other side seem so. Hmmm, I will also have to come back and read this when, heavens forbid, I feel I have grown so much that I no longer need a reality check.

There was a day of nothing but fun. The day we met at the Beach to celebrate B’s 23rd birthday. This day was so different from the other times we meet to rejoice over something, because almost all of us had something special to cheer for. A and S’s starting their own venture, B finally joining the world of the salaried and also being a year older (though I doubt she thinks it is something to be told to everyone), N’s going to Sweden and my imminent departure. Oh and the fact that this was the 1st get-together after Lent added nice touch. Of course the dancing was the highlight, though I confess to having two left feet. Ha!

Packing this time, before coming home, was a pain. I never really realised how many books I had. 94! Not a bad number to collect in the past 3 years, huh? Seems like my childhood dream of owning a library may one day be a reality *touchwood* But to pack them up and send them home soon after knowing how many I have, that was real tough! I finally did end up doing it. About 2 hours before leaving the room for the station. Ma was understandably shocked on seeing them. But then she was an absolute sweetheart as usual and repacked them into a nice little box. I don’t think I could have stood that.

Chronicles 2/3

Meeting Murali was like old times. We lose touch ever so often, but the times we meet, it is like we were never apart. No wonder he’s my bro. And he’s probably the only guy my parents enjoy talking to, and the only person I’d be allowed to be with after 7p.m. Even Ma reminisces about the first times she had met him “Oh, how shy he was then to even come from his birthday party… And now look at him acting in the movie and pursuing his dreams!” Dad of course has other thoughts. The moment Murali said that he’s graduate in Finance and marketing, Dad’s eyes lit up. Sometimes I believe that he thinks the best things to be in are IT companies and banks, but oh well I try not to get involved in such discussions with him. We are too alike in our temperament and the situation would easily become combustible. Sometimes I think, oh dear I really must be more ummm.. well maybe ask more advice from him. But then I know deep inside that he loves me so much he’d never let something come up where there is a want of advice from him. Sometimes it is easy to be a rebel when it happens (when does one really stop being an insecure and cocksure teenager in front of one’s parents? I don’t know), but then most times I know it is just love. Ah the wisdom that comes with age! :)

Mrl and I had been to Creamy Inn in front of our school. It used to be the only cool hangout place when we were studying, and the years seem to have treated it well. Hordes of school children and kids with their parents were at the place. I stood outside looking at the school and went back to the happy memories ages ago… Perhaps someday I’ll elaborate on that. As of now, SBOA is completely built up. Loads of new buildings. Classrooms with A/C and lockers! Of course fees have doubled, but that doesn’t seem to surprise me anymore. Mom and I love the concept of cool classrooms, but Dad and Mrl agree that it was better without the a/c. Dad ‘cause children have better immunity when they grow up in rougher environments and Mrl ‘cause he’d have happily slept through the classes and never passed. Though I doubt that.

We went to Coffee Day, but the new one at Anna Nagar West. Seems so different from the days when CCD usually meant the one near Round Tana. A boisterous group at the next table reminded us of how we used to act during our teens. Talk revolved around many of our old classmates. Sweet ol’ Mangal and how he was mistaken for a fresher in his new company. Now I realise why guys place as much importance on facial hair as girls place on the lack of it. Why I ‘must’ come for the trip to Mumbai so that there’d be one more to bear one among us. How I always used to coerce a classmate into buying ice-creams for the whole gang. Which, frankly speaking, wasn’t that difficult since I was probably the only female who was really nice to him. PK, the other Murali and me, and our constant struggle for the top 3 spots. Hmmm… maybe I should correct that. No one ever did beat Murali!

Chronicles 3/3

It is funny how most of my closest friends are also the ones I have known the longest. Navin’s been my buddy since 6th when I used to sit next to him and jabber away non-stop. And finish all his water too. Some say I used up everything I wanted to talk about when I was young itself, and that’s how I turned out to be a quiet one in the years later. Lol! PK, who has been my friend and rival over the years; Kiran who knows my deepest darkest secrets; mad, mad Madhu; Murali, who will always have a special place; dearest H, my only constant from a place that hurt me the most and made me tougher too; Elz dear; Stabby a.k.a. Sapota my alternative for a wisdom tooth; Butter, the exasperating cheer-me-up factor; Chimpf and Kaka, the ones who give me splits every lunch hour; and all the others I haven’t mentioned here, oh I love you all! Muah! Consider this a warning to anyone who tries to come between us… That includes all prospective life-time cooks my mom is going to set me up with 2 years down the line, ‘cause I’m definitely going to make you read all of this. Why ‘cook’? Cause I sure can’t, so you better know how to. :P

Most of all I think I realised why I love home. Even though I love staying away from it. Having someone who cares for you like no other, it is awesome. Ya it always was like that, but when I was a kid I took it for granted, and as a teenager I found it stifling. At least now, I have learnt to appreciate it. Especially at moments like this, when the scary thoughts of not having this forever creep in. Now that so many of my college classmates and cousins are either getting married or engaged, it is becoming tougher to keep Mom and Dad from the topic. I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but yes I am becoming open to the idea of an arranged marriage. (!!!) I know I want it someday, but even 28 seems too early! And the idea to have to cope with someone new, and his family to boot, whoa it seems too huge! Add to this, the constraints that society put in w.r.t. religion and region, it seems too huge. And then comes the question, would I go with someone I love more, or someone who loves me more, or rather adjust with someone I know I can live with, regardless of the ‘love’ factor. Tough decisions.

Beyond this, other pressing things demand my attention. Let me start at the beginning. Working at Ditzingen made me hope that one day I could have that work culture for longer. The absolute demarcation of professional and personal time, and how somehow more work just seemed to get done in the same time, it was incredible. And the sheer absence of politics was like a breath of fresh air. But of course, now I realise it was just beneath the surface. So when the dual-degree course came along, I yearned for it. What made my expectations grow was when I thought I’d make it. But the waiting list number disheartened me. It took me till I met my future classmates of the other offer I’d accepted for me to accept reality. This is where I am going and it seems like a nice place. With people I know. And today’s loan discussions just confirmed what I’d known deep down, but had just refused to acknowledge: We wouldn’t have been able to afford the other one. The One above truly makes things work out for the best, though then I did not know so.

There will be times over the next few months that I will celebrate, or curse, the occasion. And through them, I hope I never lose hope, and that I remain steadfast in the belief that it will all work out for the best. Peace!

Update / Random jottings

Hola!

Lots of things been happening recently here. More like new thoughts in my head rather than new events in my life. So here goes a random post.

Last Sunday was like the most peaceful Sunday in a long time. It was also the first time in like months that my whole family was at home. So we celebrated Christmas all over again!:) Dad bought the wine, Ma made stew and buffad and prawns, Mun and I got the cake and ice cream and all of us just sat and talked and laughed and had fun. And in the afternoon, we came to know that my brother's results were announced and that he is now an Engineer! Whee! He's happy, even though he is now in the advertising field. Monday night I sat moping at home because I just did not want to go back to B'lore and work. Oh I miss home! A hard week at work, but one with some rewards...

This week I was listening to the talks at Davos and then someone obviously mentions global warming. You need proof? Here it is:















LOL! (pic from one of the forwards I got)

Anyway, the last weekend I was asked some questions that really made me look hard at the life I am leading. And I decided to make a few more changes. I have to stop being a work junkie and seriously get a life. A new one. I have to grow up and think of things that may be 2 years down the line. Ah ya, if you are an Indian, you'd have got it by now. Yes, the dreaded word... marriage! My parents (read Dad) think that I must be ready to get married by the time I'm say 26 or 27, even though I think it's a tad early. Then Dad get all like "Oh look at your class mates and colleagues! Even the guys are getting married!" da**!

Oh well, leave this topic. Then I thought of what I wanted to do. Somewhere on the top of my list is swimming. Checked out Nisha Millet's site and they have a batch from the 7th of Feb. Cool! But I am volunteering for Aarambh, the sports meet for the specially abled, conducted by Rotary on the 7th. So I called her up and she said that as long as I turn up on the 8th., it's fine. Hmm... one almost down :) [Edit: 8th Feb: Did not go for it. Planning something the coming weekend, and no it's not a romantic Valentine's getaway. That'd make me miss like 1//4th of the classes :( Maybe next time, Nisha Millet]

Then another thing I wanted to go for was a theatre show or something. Checked out the events page and there is a show on Tuesday. Wonder if I'd go for that because that would mean I have to out of work by 6pm, and though they have all the flexi-hours stuff, I feel its not going to happen. Anyway, fingers crossed. As for now, I'm making cake! Screw the diet, I'm gonna have fun. And then chide myself for not exercising enough. But as Micheal Scofield said (oh isn't he cute!), "everyone has their own crosses".

So till later, Ciao.

P.S. If you are interested in volunteering for Aarambh, a sports meet for the specially abled, please come to Kanteerva Stadium @ Jayanagar on the 7th at 9am. The meet will be for about 600 children and about 100 volunteers are needed. The meet ends at 6pm in the evening.

Angst

You say you are so tuned into me
That you know me so well
But a person is not just a few facets
Everyone has sides not many know

Some think I’m nice, some say I’m a bitch
Maybe there is a bit of truth in both
But does that mean I’m only what they see?
Not everything is just black or white, dear

I’m a soft toy in the store
I’m a porcupine with an itchy back
I’m so much more and so much less
Why do you then see me as only one of those?

Just because you’ve seen me purr
Does it mean I don’t know to scratch?
And just ‘cause I deal with all of your moods
Do you think my patience is infinite?

Yes, you know me, but no, not completely
Love me yes, but give me space
Lean on me, but not so much that I can’t handle it
And then don’t act so hurt. It makes me feel guilty

I like you and I will always care
But why do you place me on a pedestal so high?
Friendship and love will always be between equals
Everything else leads to anger, hurt and tears

You want this, I want that,
Sometimes it may be the same thing, but not always
Does that mean I have let you go?
Does that mean you don’t care for me?

I hate you, I like you,
And I know you love me
And there will be times when we fight
But that needn’t be the be-all and end-all of life
Just try too understand.

Rollercoaster ride

You know those times when your mind is all so full of things you just don't want to think about? And you listen to music or whatever suits you just to stop thinking? You turn on the radio, not even bothering to change the station when the song suck. And then you hear it. And snap, it just fits. The connection.

I felt that today. it was playing on Indigo. "If you're lost, hurt, tired or lonely". I listened to it for want of better things to do on the ride back from work. And he sang "All your friends think you're satisfied. But they can't see your soul"

... And I knew. Why it seems so hard these days. Every one's so excited about 'opportunities'. And all I see are the things that will soon be gone. Dl and Mn trying to help her be strong enough. Trying to scare the Grim Reaper's shadow far away from the hospital. Mr dealing with the reality of his parents splitting. Me coping with the loss of trust on someone. S having no idea what to do about the subtle abuse at work. Do they understand us?

All that is seen on the outside is the faint ripples of the turmoil inside. Dealing with it is all easier when you vent it all out. At least Bt helped me channel my sorrow to anger. But now he's about 8000 kms away. And Hs did more than that. He made me forget it all for a while. But how many times do you bounce back till it seems less like a bounce and more like a semi-low state. One part of me says "Bah" and the other quips "lah di dah". The 3rd is silent. Who will be the 1st to puke when the coaster turns upside down?

What if God was one of us?

What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us. Just a stranger on the bus, trying to make his way home. Like a holy Rolling Stone. Back up to Heaven all alone. Just trying to make his way home. Nobody callin' on the phone, 'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome. Then it makes sense, it all just makes sense. Why the moon is not full all the time. Why the poems dont rhyme. Why Butter may need more than bread. Why Chillies lose their heat and hash is outta head. Why the Shadow proved the sunshine. Why guys need a pick-up line. Why it gets dark again. Why it started to rain. Why I'm forced to lie. And why people die.

P.S. Joan O, Thanks for your question.

"No!"

"You should learn to say no, my dear"

Daddy used to give me these nuggets of wisdom from the time i was a kid. But it took me quite a while before I realised what he meant to say. Like: Saying "no" doesn't mean you have to use the word "no"; it means setting priorities, and meeting them, and for the ones you have put in your folder called 'no', just mark some "think time" on the calendar and deal with them when you know you can (or when you can't put them off any longer).

So here are others that I finally understood. And some over which I am still mulling.

• It is easier to come to a common understanding if both sides understand that either has the power to walk away
• Sometimes a "wrong" only someone else's definition of what I think is "right"
  
• Truth and fact are not the same thing. Truth is whatever people *believe* to be fact, whether or not what they believe in really is a fact or not.
  
• Sometimes it is better to tell a person why you think there is a problem, rather than to assume they would understand just because they are older.

(I still have to keep drumming this into my head)

Looks to me like the good ol' pearls of wisdom have to come with their own dictionary.

From the Doldrums

The air is too calm. Too still.
I stand an look around.
I can see the horizon
A faint blue line.
I no longer desire. I don't have the will
to be there: to lie on sold ground -
Its been burnt by the sun
I no longer pine.
All around me, people die
Of hunger, of thirst, of heat
And some like me survive
Empty shells long gone.
We don't move, we've stopped to try
Thinking of it is too big a feat.
Listless and still, I no longer strive.
There's something in the sky - a spot.
I watch it grow. And something,
A faint spark - of interest? -
Begins to flicker in me.
There is a breexe now. Or not.
But the feeling pushes me. Quite surprising.
I make myself stand lest
Another such time may never be.
Even now, as I look back
I really don't understand:
Was it hope, interest or madness
That made me to carry on?
What ever it was, I'm glad.
For though then my head was full of sand,
Now I've taken control. And
That's what really matters.